I loved being pregnant, but not nearly as much as I loved labour. I am awesome at labour – wonder woman, black widow? Push over. I am SUPER HUMAN. I need to think of a good name for me – Wonder Womb? Uterus Gold? I’m working on it.
Unfortunately, I’m not that enamoured by newborns. In fact, they scare the living day lights out of me. I am one of the unfortunate souls that take weeks to love their children – only when I know their smell, face, sounds and touch do I form an emotional bond. I would protect them with my life immedietly, but an actual feeling of love is long in coming. Nothing to do with my pregnancies or births, or breastfeeding – all of which were straightforward and brilliant. Just something in me – something I don’t think is unrelated to my being on “the spectrum” as it’s known.
My partner (not the father of my two boys) has never wanted children, doesn’t want children, and is very happy in step dad role. He would be sterilised but he is apparently too young (he’s in his late 30s now) to make such a drastic decision. Odd, as its the same age women start being warned off by media to try starting a family, but never mind.
This is wonderful to me (my partner not wanting children, not how women are controlled by the media) as my boys are all the children I could ever want,and I certainly don’t want another new born – quite apart from not liking them very much, I have done the toddler thing, and having another now would take resources, time and energy from the two I have when they most need it- stuff that is already in short supply.
But. I would quite like to feel superhuman again. I can’t believe that was my last labour. How do I experience that all again without ending up with a baby I can’t afford, and that neither I or my partner want at the end? There must be a solution…
So! I have become a surrogate mother! Not pregnant yet, thought I’d document my journey here from the beginning.
Wish me luck!